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Humour


You Know You Have FMS When


-you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

-you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

-you don't have to worry about avoiding temptation. With FMS, it will avoid you.

-when getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

-when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

-when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

-when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

-when the Doctor says : "I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."

-when you know how to spell gastroenterologist, chiropractor, etc.

-when you go to make toast and nothing happens. You've plugged in the can opener.

-when you say to your wife, "Good morning, Mary"...and her name is Sharon.

-when you have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

-when you become exhausted from trying to blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

-when you forget your twin sister's birthday.

-when you realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

-when you put both contact lenses in the same eye.

-when you realize the marriage vows you took about sickness and health meant HIS sickness not YOURS.

-when you have to take a nap because chewing your dinner wore you out.

-when you have trouble adding single digit numbers.

-when you get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're up, you might as well go to bed.

-when one of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot-water bottle.

-when everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

-when you reach the toilet, but forgot what you wanted to do.

-when you can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.

-when your top three favourite pastimes involve sleep.

-when you have to get rid of your dog; he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.

-when Medicare states that you're too sick for their coverage.

-when everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

-when a passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

-when people are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you're breathing.

-when you know "where it's at", but forgot why it's there

-when you can't remember anything.

-when you boil the kettle dry three times to get one cup of tea.

-when you read a note you wrote to yourself to pay a bill, and you wonder who the heck Bill is.

-when you read 100 e-mails from your online support group, then realize you're in the trash folder.

-when you feed the dog twice, because she has learned how to trick you into thinking you forgot.

I have done all of the above.

Bill Jackson at FMSdays@oz.sunflower.org


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Robert Annand - 03:25am Aug 22, 2000 EST

Ways To Say No


...........................I'd Love To BUT:

I have to floss my cat.

I've dedicated my life to linguini.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

The man on television told me to stay tuned.

I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

It's my parakeet's bowling night.

I'm building a pig from a kit.

I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

I'm in training to be a household pest.

My patent is pending.

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm sandblasting my oven.

I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

I'm being deported.

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

The last time I went, I never came back.

I'm having all my plants neutered.

I change the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew In My Refrigerator"

I never go out on days that end in "Y"

I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" an I can't put it down.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

My favourite commercial is on TV.

I have to study for a blood test.

I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

I have to stay home and see if I snore.

..................well, maybe.


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FMS.....Before and After

Before: We had long hair.
Now: We long for hair.

Before: We enjoyed Acid Rock.
Now: We have Acid reflux.

Before: We loved the sensation of a roller coaster ride.
Now: We get the same sensation from a rocking chair.

Before; We loved picking up babies to hold.
Now: We don't remember where we left them.

Before: We popped into joints for a quick one.
Now: We just pop our joints.

Before: We exercised regularly.
Now: We just lie down until the thought goes away.

Before: We Dreamed of accomplishing things.
Now: Dreaming is all we accomplish.

Before: We knew a lot of the answers.
Now: We forget the questions.

Before: We used to get out to hip joints.
Now: Our hips get out of joint.

Then: We longed for the day when we got our head together.
Now: Now that it's together the rest our body's falling apart.

Then: There was Freedom of the Press.
Now: It is "No-iron" clothes.

Then: I was a thin person struggling to get out.
Now: I am sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Then: I was out to see it all, do it all.
Now: Now I can't remember what I'm doing.

Then: I could Dance all night.
Now: I could Sleep for a week.

Then: I could Talk for hours on the phone.
Now: I catch myself talking into the remote control.

Then: We had Walk-in closets.
Now: We get lost in our closet.

Then: I could cook a meal that took hours to prepare.
Now: It takes me an hour to make minute rice.

Then: You wondered if you would ever get tired of sex.
Now: You are too tired to have sex.


Ain't It The Truth!


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REMEMBER WHEN . . . . . .

A computer was something from science fiction on TV

A window was something you hated to clean

A ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of a female

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, you hoped nobody, found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage

And if you unzipped anything in public, you went to jail

Logon was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode

Cut, you did with scissors

Paste, you did with glue

A virus was the flu

And a web was a spider's home



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A judge was interviewing a woman with FMS, regarding her pending divorce, and asked:

"What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.

He says that he can't communicate with me.



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